The MacGuffin

When I heard Takashi Miike’s film 13 Assassins would be shown at the Minneapolis St. Paul International Film Festival, I knew I had to go. I didn’t even care what genre of film it was. Normally, Miike is known for his mind-melting horror films, but I had heard this was a little more traditional. I just appreciate Miike’s warped view on putting amazingly beautiful scenes together with horrific content that really pushes the envelope of most white-bread people. With the added excitement of someone passing out in the theater, forcing the venue to stop the film so the paramedics could come, this movie was pretty much what I expected. Good samurai vs. bad samurai and lots of swords. But, extremely well done.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is one of the best films I’ve seen in a really long time. Combine Earnest Goes to Camp with Friday the 13th and you’ll have this masterpiece. Tucker is the more macho of two hillbilly best friends, and he’s a really nice guy who has spent his entire life savings on a vacation home—a super rundown cabin in the woods where he and his best friend Dale can drink beer, go fishin’, and just get away from it all. These college kids have shown up and are ruining things. Eight frat/sorority kids go to the woods to drink and have sex (like most college kids do in the movies). There’s the standard campfire legend of “killers in the woods” to set the stage, and then the kids decide to go skinny dipping. One girl falls off a rock and knocks herself out. These two hillbillies who are vacationing in the area and happen to be fishing in the area see she hasn’t come up for air and rescue her. The frat kids think the hillbillies have captured their friend and they go after them.

Mega Piranha begins with an American senator being killed in Venezuela in a suspicious manner, and Fitch (played by Paul Logan) is sent there (somehow, in just a few short hours) to figure out what happened. There are American scientists (including 80’s pop star Tiffany—who’s now a beefed up soccer mom) genetically altering animals in the jungle to increase food production, and one of the experiments got out of hand. Fitch also has to worry about this crazy military general doing some sort of operation in the jungle that he doesn’t want people to know about.

The Troll Hunter—In this Norwegian homage (I think) to The Blair Witch Project, a set of video recordings shows up at a film studio anonymously. It shows footage from an amateur film crew from a college in Norway following Hans, a Norwegian troll hunter. Like Blair Witch, it is all handheld shots, with long sequences of running, screaming, and mysterious sounds. However, this film has TROLLS instead of a “witch.”

Sharktopus—This not-based-on-a-true-story movie starts out with a shark attack on a bikini-clad co-ed. Yes, I said STARTS OUT. Brilliant. Eric Roberts is a scientist who has developed a combination of a shark and an octopus—a sharktopus, if you will. This sharktopus, named S-11, protects the girl from being eaten by a shark. Then the remote controller breaks off the sharktopus and it goes on a killing spree, targeting no one in particular.

Zombie Strippers. This movie is exactly like what you’d expect it to be, from the title. Add in the fact that Jenna Jameson is one of the main stars of the film, and you know you’re in for a clothing-minimal zombie movie. Add in Robert Englund (of Freddy Krueger fame) and you’ve just taken that zombie film to a new low-budget level.

The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine—Yeah, this title got your attention too, didn’t it? I bought this film in hopes that it would stand up to scrutiny from my friends at Valentine’s Day-themed Bad Movie Night. However, it ended up with three strikes against it: 1) It’s subtitled and my friends hate to read while looking at gratuitous nudity; 2) It’s Italian, which means it makes no sense, despite seeing loads of gratuitous nudity; 3) It’s one of the worst plots ever, sadly not redeemed by gratuitous nudity.

Robogeisha starts with a guy running for the office of prime minister. His assistant comes in and tells him if he doesn’t withdraw from the election, his life will be forfeit. The future prime minister pledges his love to a dancing geisha who’s singing about baseball. He cops a feel on his lady friend and she freaks out and splits in half. Literally splits in half, and two scantily clad Japanese Goblins emerge from inside her. I can tell right away this movie is going to be awesome.

Some scientists, are working on bio-genetically altering animals (like they do). An evil red head (Malachi from Children of the Corn) takes over the lab. The experiment goes wrong and almost everyone in the lab dies, some from the explosion, and some from the 30-foot king cobra (with a rattle in his tail for some reason) that magically appears without any explanation.

Today’s Special is a film about a sous chef named Samir working his way up in a fancy kitchen in NYC. He’s got his hopes set on becoming the head chef at an expansion restaurant from the one he’s currently working in. His boss has other plans.